I’d heard things. I’d seen clips. I’d seen those creepy websites where people make t-shirts that have sayings from the movie on them. But I never could have been fully prepared for what I saw. I didn’t think there was a film that could contend with Spring Breakers as the worst piece of cinema I’d ever seen until I watched this…thing in all of it’s, erm, glory.
Let us begin.
The music at the beginning of the film is used way too often throughout the whole thing and after a while your ears start to bleed and plead to be left alone. The music used in all of the sex scenes is also awful. It just reminds you that you’re watching an intensely low grade film.
And oh, yes! The sex scenes. There are, I think, five in total if you count that extremely weird scene in which a random couple you have never seen before breaks and enters the main character’s apartment and proceeds to have some sort of sensual, chocolate-filled love making session. Out of the five, the same footage from the first is used repeatedly and makes you want to scratch your eyes out since it takes a solid five minutes to go through it…again.
The acting is something else. And by something else I mean it is laughably bad. So bad that every time Tommy Wiseau laughs, somewhere a baby punches itself in the face. His acting is the worst by far. He has absolutely no expression at all and that laugh of his never changes and seems to be forcing its way out of his throat like a held in cough. He slurs his words together faster than a cheetah on chocolate and never really looks like he’s speaking, since his mouth rarely opens to its full extent; unless of course he’s emitting that horrific chortle.
In other words, I think my favourite scene in this movie was every scene in which Wiseau wasn’t present.
Moving on to the leading lady. Was it just me, or did her eyes change colour from green to blue several times? They sure seemed to. And although she was a decently attractive woman, she did nothing for the movie.
Oh, I forgot. That’s not true. She did have the same conversation with her mother about hating/not loving/not liking/not wanting to sleep with/not wanting to stay with Wisaeu’s character about 6000 times. Also, when her mother told her that she had breast cancer (which is completely forgotten after the point in which it is said and has nothing to do with anything), her daughter, Lisa, brushes it off without even blinking.
That’s cooooold, girl. Ice cold.
All of the supporting characters in this movie are garbage; they have no life to them, are one-dimensional and appear to have a contest to see who can keep making the dumbest facial expressions. That’s all I’m saying about that. Hmph.
However, I guess I will bring up Denny, the kid next door. He is one freaky kid. He’s just creepy all of the time. I mean, there’s a scene where he tells Wiseau’s character, Johnny, that he thinks he loves Lisa. Johnny gives him one blink, doesn’t appear rattled in the slightest and asks him how it’s going with this other girl, to which Denny replies that he thinks he’s in love with her.
That’s just… I don’t… I can’t… Ew.
Near the start of the film, the audience is told that Johnny and Lisa have been together for a five year period. Sure, whatever. Then, near the end of the (wait, this is a movie right?) story, the half-asleep audience is told by an angry Lisa that she’s done putting up with Johnny and that she’d already given him seven years of her life.
Those extra two years must have been the time spent having the same sex scene repeated over and over.
There are only a few locations in which the movie takes place: Johnny and Lisa’s apartment, a flower shop, a field, outside Johnny and Lisa’s apartment and the roof of the apartment building in which Johnny and Lisa live. Oh, and the constant shots of the city they live in (San Francisco?) that act as transitions betweens scenes.
Here are the major things wrong with these settings:
1. The backgrounds get boring.
2. Which room is the title referring to?
3. The shots of the city are about 30 seconds too long… (Wait, they’re only 7 seconds?!)
4. Wiseau tried to recreate the running-up-the-stairs scene from Rocky.
5. Everywhere they play football is a dumb place to play football.
6. The ugliest dog ever is chillin’ in the flower shop.
7. The background of the city while on the apartment rooftop is clearly green-screened. And badly.
8. Everything.
Since I can’t take much more of this, I’m going to now go ahead and talk about the final scene (and my personal favourite, even though Wiseau is in it) of this independently made movie. Johnny goes bonkers after Lisa tells him she is leaving him/hates him, and proceeds to smash every breakable thing that he owns. Then, after having a completely necessary shot in which he emits several twitching, pelvic thrust-like movements, Johnny finds a small treasure chest lying around on the floor and opens it to reveal, you guessed it, a gun!
Thank cats for random treasure chests. This is my favourite part because I assume that the gun in the chest is the audience’s prize for having to watch the entire movie, and that what Johnny does next with the gun is the icing on the metaphysical cake.
In probably the most anti-climactic ending ever, Johnny shoots himself in the mouth and dies in what I’m really hoping is the room which the title wishes to associate itself with. Lisa, her new lover-dude and Denny suddenly come storming in; all cry, lover-dude leaves Lisa randomly with a final line that makes no sense and the creepy Denny kid screams at the other two to leave him alone with the dead Johnny. Which they do. For about a good five seconds.
And then…credits. Sweet, sweet credits. This is also the point at which it’s best to check and make sure that the person beside you didn’t fall into a coma.
Let’s never speak of this again.
Rating out of 100: YOU’RE TEARING ME APART, LISA! (0)
Note: Wait, this film was made in 2003? Bahahahahahaha!
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