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Movie Review: Spring Breakers

This is not a film. This is Satan in disguise.
This is not a film. This is Satan in disguise.

I think, since this is my blog, it’s fair that I take time to post about anything I find interesting or just want to talk about. And I’m going to start talking about films sometimes, if I deem it worthy enough to be mentioned.

As you may or may not know, I have an attraction to the young actress Selena Gomez, and have seen her act in everything she’s been in to date. Therefore, I shrugged when I saw her name mentioned on the cast list for the movie, Spring Breakers.

I decided I would go see this movie, since it is the first film that Miss Gomez is in which is rated 18A. And, as an 18 year old male myself, the idea of spring break is often floated around as a “big deal”.

Well, let me tell you something (you being anyone who reads this). Never EVER go see this film. It was most definitely one of the biggest disappointments of my life.

If I isolated Selena’s performance and just her acting, without looking at anything else surrounding her in the film, it was fine. But the movie itself and everything else about it was just about the worst thing I’ve ever seen on the big screen and was most definitely the worst thing I’ve ever paid money to see.

The writing for the movie was probably one of the worst qualities, for certain a solid 100/10 on the suck-o-meter. Every single line made me want to yack on the guy sitting next to me with his girlfriend, and many lines were repeated over and over…and over. I have never heard the words, “Spring Break…forever” so many times in my entire life.

The cinematography was awful too. There were shots that just didn’t need to be there, which was pretty much every shot. For instance, there is a scene with James Franco speaking to Selena Gomez and they cut to a shot of a golden lab lying on the ground. Throughout the rest of the film, there is absolutely no sign of that dog or ANY dog at all. Completely pointless.

The music was pathetic, immediately choosing to throw in Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex while a ton of naked teenagers partied on the beach. The sound of a gunshot mixed with the closing of a lighter was the chosen noise for every single cut to a new scene and was horribly overused.

The acting was probably the best part of this film; which is like telling a man who got shot in the arm that the good news is he’s only going to lose his arm and yet will manage to live… Stupid. There was no strong leading actor or actress and Selena, who was the best by far, leaves the film early after her character realizes that she probably never should have been created for such a crappy flick.

I couldn’t believe how bad this film was, if you haven’t gotten the impression yet. A few people left early and I thought about it. After the movie, one guy was retching in the men’s room, presumably from what he’d just seen.

The thing that made me lose hope to the point of feeling nauseous was when two girls who were exiting the theatre behind me were talking about how good the movie was. And that they thought James Franco was hot (look up a picture of him in the movie, he’s seen better days).

To sum up, this movie took part of my soul and tore it to shreds. I hope you never go to see this film or pay money for it. I just wanted to pull Selena out of that horror-show and hug her while telling her that that evil, scary director would have to rip her from my cold, dead hands before he put her in another picture of his.

It’s not worth it. Save yourself while you can. Before it’s…

…Spring Break…. FOREVER.

Rating out of 100: -100 000 (Or any number that’s the farthest from 100)