Movie Review: Pain and Gain

Don't worry. The poster is way less cool than he actual movie. *cough*
Don’t worry. The poster is way less cool than the actual movie. *cough*

Oh, Michael Bay. Michael, Michael, Michael.

I think literally everyone who went to see this movie was expecting the director famous for films like Transformers to add some big explosions and intense actions scenes to this flick. And he delivered most of that.

Except that every single time he did so was extremely strange.

I went into this movie knowing very little except what I saw from the trailer. I did know; however, that this film was based on a true story. I didn’t expect the story to be what it was at all; a gigantic mess of painfully slow, awkwardly weird, terrifyingly morbid content.

The whole thing left a sort of bad taste in your mouth and I think my friends who went with me to the theatre asked several times during the film why we paid to go see this.

The acting wasn’t the problem so much as the story and what Michael Bay and his crew did with it. In fact, this might be one of the best performances I’ve seen from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He played a character that I’ve never seen him play before, a man who was the total juxtaposition to his normal roles; a sniveling, whiny, drug addict who is going all out to please Jesus.

Mark Wahlberg wasn’t bad either and gave a solid performance. Even the main antagonist played by Tony Shalhoub did a pretty good job, although his character was the epitome of annoying.

I’m not sure how much Bay played with the “based off of a true story” stuff, but this was one heck of a doozy. During the part in which Johnson’s character is trying to get rid of the hands of two people that the main group murdered, he is actually barbecuing them outside, wide out in the open, while Bay sees it necessary to have the words “This is still a true story” flash up on the bottom right part of the screen.

That had to be one of the parts where my jaw dropped open and my hand smacked my forehead. Did Bay really see it necessary to add that to the movie, even if it was part of the true story? In fact, why did he even feel the need to make this wacky tale into a full blown film? I’ll never know.

Oh, and I can’t forget to mention when The Rock’s toe got shot off in an amazing escape from the police while his character was trying to steal money for, you guessed it, drugs. The truly abnormal thing is the fact that he kept the toe, never went to the hospital and seemed fine after a little bit of whining and complaining.

He later fed said toe to a tiny chihuahua.

I’m not lying. This seriously happens. But what dude in real life wouldn’t go to the hospital to have his shot off toe looked at? I mean, it wouldn’t have busted their operation at all. For heaven’s sake, they go into a hospital later in the film!

The movie’s slowness was also pretty difficult to deal with. Personally, I thought it was going to wrap up when it was only about halfway through. And that’s one of the worst feelings to get during the viewing of a film.

When it finally reaches its finale, the pictures of the actual people that the actors played flash up onto the screen, just like in many other “based on a true story” type movies. But if you’ve seen Argo, like I have, you almost had to restrain yourself from laughing. The people didn’t look anything like the actors that played them.

I think the closest similarity was that the guy Mark Wahlberg was playing also had hair… Yeah.

I’m not really sure I’d recommend this movie to anyone, unless you just like weird stuff or really want to see something different. But don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

Rating out of 100: 57

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One thought on “Movie Review: Pain and Gain”

  1. Nice review. Granted, there are jokes involving penises that fall flat because they have Bay written all over them, but the movie made me laugh more than I expected.

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